


Kevlar

by TheAsexualScorpio



Series: ASoIaF ficlets [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Police, F/M, Humor, Jon and Theon are police partners, Robb is their captain, Sansa doesn't actually appear, Sexual Humor, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6739399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualScorpio/pseuds/TheAsexualScorpio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon gets in trouble. It's the best day of Theon's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kevlar

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by a scene from "22 Jump Street."

When Robb, er, _Captain Stark_ , called them into his office, Theon was ready to tell him all about the recent breakthrough he and Snow had made in the case. Everyone knew that Ramsay Bolton and his gang were the ones assaulting women in King's Landing, but now they were _this_ close to getting actual proof.

Theon dropped into his chair and started to speak: “Captain, we have something really, really important we gotta tell you about. It's...” He trailed off when he heard a kind of scraping, crackling sound in the seat next to him. Snow strapping himself into a vest. “Are you wearing Kevlar?” Theon asked incredulously.

Snow looked pointedly at the floor.

Theon was about to ask again, but Captain Stark spoke first.

“Now, gentlemen, we're not going to sit here and pretend...” He slammed his pistol on the desk, and Theon started. “there's not an elephant in the room.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Theon asked, taking in Robb's clenched jaw and icy glare.

Robb gripped one of the picture frames he had on his desk and turned it so that the picture was facing Theon and Snow. “ _This_ is what the fuck is going on.”

Theon shot the Captain a confused look and then focused on the picture. It was of a young man, who he recognized as the Captain, and a pretty woman a little younger than him. Her long red hair was straighter and brighter than Robb's auburn curls, but their matching blue eyes and high cheekbones made it clear that this woman was probably his sister. Theon didn't remember ever meeting her before, but he couldn't help but think she looked familiar. She looked kind of like that hot redhead that Snow was—no. He looked over at Snow and saw how pale his partner had gotten.

“OH, SHIT!” Theon yelled, leaping out of his seat, “Oh, shit!” He dropped back down into his seat and grabbed Snow by the shoulder, laughing so hard he was sure people in the other end of the building could hear him. “Oh, shit!” He jumped out of his seat again. “No! That is not happening right now! No!” He ran out the door and straight to a group of bemused coworkers. “Hey guys, he's fucking the captain's sister! Yo!” The other men burst out laughing and high-fived Theon when he put up his hands. “Oh my FUCK!”

~O~

Jon winced when he heard Theon announce to everyone in the bullpen that he fucked the captain's sister. Sansa. He saw Robb clench his jaw even tighter, and when he spoke, it was through gritted teeth.

“Every time he says that, Snow? That's another foot in your ass.”

“Snow!” Jon nearly jumped when he saw Theon slam into the glass wall behind Robb, a wide grin across his face. “You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!”

Theon let out another shrieking guffaw and peeled himself off the glass. “Snow fucked the captain's sister!”

Unable to tear his eyes away from his asshole partner, Jon nearly cringed when Theon started to—honest to gods— _dance_ outside Robb's office and sing, “Snow fucked the captain's sister! Snow fucked the captain's sister!”

Jon desperately wished the ground would open up and swallow him.

~O~

“Shit! Fuck!” Theon howled as he ran back into Robb's office. He still couldn't believe something this _perfect_ happened, and he was here to witness it. This was the best day ever!

He dropped to his knees next to Snow and grabbed him by the shoulder, shaking him. “You fucked Captain Stark's sister?” He ignored his partner's weak attempts to bat him away and stood up. “Captain?” He looked at Robb and then back at Snow, and suddenly he remembered Snow joking with the Captain about getting laid a few weeks ago. When he _fucked_ Captain Stark's sister. “What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that _this_ face—” He pointed to Robb's stony expression. “—right here! You bragged to that face?!”

He looked back at Robb and laughed again. “And you! You actually _high-fived_ Snow for fucking your sister? Holy Shit!” Theon dropped back into his own seat. “Oh my God, this is...”

Robb picked up the pistol and put it back down so the barrel was facing Theon.

“It's really not that funny,” Theon said quickly.

“I just want to say that it was...strange not to mention the fact that your sister went to KLU...” Jon started.

“I think it's strange that I haven't cut your motherfucking nuts off!” Robb shot back.

“What if Captain gets to punch you in the face one time? Really, really, _really_ hard?” Theon suggested to Snow before Robb actually did cut his balls off.

“No,” Robb growled. “I have a better idea.”

When he told them his idea, Snow almost looked like he'd prefer getting punched in the face.

Theon just laughed again.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> What Robb has in mind is up to the reader to decide. I personally couldn't go through with what happened in "22 Jump Street." Poor Jon doesn't deserve to have his balls tasered.


End file.
